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Sometimes you get so caught up in the chase that you’re completely caught off guard when you get what you said you wanted. It’s a disconcerting thing, to be handed something real and be forced to admit that what you said you wanted and what you actually wanted were two opposite things.
Admit it, you chase the things you don’t want because you just want the illusion of potentially succeeding. You never really wanted to succeed. You’re terrified of it.